i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
