I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
