i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
