I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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