im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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