hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
