i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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