I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
