I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
