So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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