Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
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