Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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