I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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