Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize