Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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