New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize