she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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