woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You pole danced in your parka.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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