I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
