my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
