I wish I could teleport
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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