my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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