found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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