He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
