hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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