I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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