They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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