Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
