My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you win again, gameday.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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