i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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