sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
