took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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