also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize