If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
