I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I die, sorry about rent.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
