At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
