he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
