Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
