I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
