I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Randomize
