i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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