im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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