I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
