he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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