Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
