2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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