At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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