those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
