I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
