before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
